I write posts like the last one for two main reasons. First, I get a lot of great parenting ideas from blogs I read, and I figure if I have a decent idea I should pay it forward and share it with others. Second, if I write it down then I’m less likely to forget about it.

It’s ironic (or is it?! I’m always fuzzy on the definition of irony, thanks to Alanis Morissette) that the day after writing a post about how much easier our lives could be if I just remember to be more playful, I am writing a post about how my parenting report card today would be stamped with a great big FAIL.

Today I lost my temper at Annalie over something kind of stupid. She threw a fit over having to leave the house for dinner, then got mad because she had to put on long pants (a fight I have with her EVERY SINGLE DAY, every time we need to leave the house, oh my goodness does this kid ever need to live in Southern California). Then it went even further downhill, probably largely because she was hungry, which was why we were leaving the house to get some dinner.

I was hungry too, and I have the same tendency to be 300% more irritated by life when I’m hungry, so it took a lot of effort for me to stay calm. But by golly, I did. I spent 20 minutes patiently, calmly talking to Annalie. I reminded her she was hungry. I pointed out that 45F isn’t warm enough to go outside in a skirt and tank top. She was not entirely happy but had simmered down and even put on tights and was ready to leave.

And then she changed her mind. I don’t even know exactly what it was, but something set her back to square one and she told me, in that hmmph-so-there voice that is like fingernails on a chalkboard to me, that she wasn’t leaving the house ever again and I couldn’t make her. Then she laid down on her bed and grabbed the headboard like I was going to have to pry her off.

I saw red. I yelled at her. I pushed her down the hall towards Troy and stomped into my room to count to 100. I rested my forehead on the wall and took deep, shaky breaths. I listened to Annalie wailing, to Troy talking to her, to poor Elliora strapped into the infant seat, crying her head off. I hated myself just a little bit.

I pulled myself together and joined my family. I took Elliora out of the seat and comforted her. I hugged Annalie and asked her how much better she thought I felt now that I’d yelled at her. She said she didn’t know. I told her, “Not better at all. I feel worse. How do you feel?” She admitted she felt worse too. We all calmed down and talked and apologized and forgave. We went to dinner and came home and Annalie went to bed happy and serene while I laid on the couch and nursed Elliora and had a good cry.

I think what’s going on right now, mainly, is that Annalie is dealing with not having me to herself anymore. She is understandably frustrated at having to share my time, and that it often seems like the lion’s share of that is going to Elliora these days. Lately Annalie has been unusually snippy with me and angry at me. I know it’s all part of the process of learning to deal, and I’m glad she is taking it out on me and not the baby (with whom she is unfailingly gentle and loving), but it’s still trying. And today we were both hungry and I was tired and breastfeeding hormones probably played a part and just arrrrrgggghhhh.

On top of that, school has been challenging. I’ve been trying hard for the last month to get back into a routine with school, and Annalie is fighting me every step of the way. For every hour of school we do, I spend easily another hour convincing her. It’s exhausting.

Part of me thinks it’s no big deal. She is in first grade; putting the curriculum on hold and unschooling for another month or so won’t hurt her. We still read books every day, and she reads and writes plenty on her own. We talk about time and dates and prices and measurements every day, in real-life situations at the store, while cooking, while planning a trip. Now that the weather is warming up, and Elliora is a bit older and doesn’t hate the car quite as much, we can start going to the library regularly and hitting the museums again. We can keep plugging away at our year’s curriculum right through summer if we want to. We’re going to start using Time4Learning as a supplement (thanks, Yara!) and I’m hopeful that it will be a good fit for Annalie’s learning style and our needs right now.

[I am a bit apprehensive leaving the negative stuff about homeschooling in this post because I've gotten some pretty negative responses from people about this kind of thing in the past. Please know that I am not saying homeschooling is too hard for us, because I'm not; I'm saying that right now homeschooling is challenging but we are persevering because I want to teach my kids about perseverance and flexibility just as much as I want to teach them how to read and write. If I honestly thought homeschooling wasn't working for us anymore we wouldn't be doing it. It's as simple as that. And I want to be honest about our struggles because if someone else is struggling in their homeschool at least they won't read my blog under the erroneous impression that homeschooling comes easily to everyone else in the world but them.]

On top of everything else Troy’s job is crazy busy right now and he’s basically leaving for work before we get up and getting home just in time to tuck Annalie in at night. As you can imagine this is stressing all of us out for various reasons.

I’m truly okay now. I talked to Troy and my mom and Brenda and Madge. Brenda and Madge both told me that when I lose my temper at my kid, it’s an opportunity for me to help her learn how to deal with anger and angry people, and also a chance to teach her about how even her parents aren’t perfect. (Gasp! Shocking but true.) My mom and Troy both had good ideas for ways to help Annalie learn to deal with her frustration. They all reminded me that things will get easier and I know they are right. I am stretched pretty thin right now, with nursing a baby and homeschooling a first-grader and attempting to keep the house in some kind of order on days that are too cold for Annalie to play outside, and I need to be as kind to myself as I would to anyone else in this situation. So I’m trying.

Sarah commented on the last post that Annalie’s vocabulary is so good for her age that it’s easy to forget she’s just a little kid. I confess I have the same problem sometimes. Annalie is so mature and smart and empathetic in some ways, but in other ways she is still very much six-going-on-seven. I am guilty of expecting too much of her at times. Especially since Elliora was born, I think, since in comparison with a four-month-old Annalie seems impossibly grown-up. But she’s not. She’s still a kid in need of snuggles and silliness and reassurance and guidance and tons of patience and understanding and love. Though really, what adult doesn’t need those things too?

Tomorrow is another day. It might bring more temper tantrums, it might not. Either way, we’ll handle it and I will attempt to remain calm and remember that we’re all doing the best we can under the circumstances, knowing it will get easier eventually. Or I’ll get stronger in the process. Probably both.

How are you today?

And so am I, after three straight days of the same hospital room, which I wasn’t allowed to leave because of how contagious RSV is. We’re all happy that the whole family is at home again to start the new year. Thank you so much for all your encouraging comments, emails, prayers, and wishes! Once again you all have reminded me that internet people are some of the awesomest people around.

I have every intention of blogging again tomorrow, but it’s fairly likely that it will slip through the cracks. So I’ll say it now, just in case:

Happy New Year! I hope 2011 brings each and every one of you delicious food and laughter-punctuated conversation with good friends, chances to sleep in and hug your loved ones tight, the determination to reach your goals and the flexibility to know when it’s time to change plans, and plenty of joy and wisdom.

As I mentioned in my last post, Elliora is big into cluster nursing right now. That means we end up sitting on the couch all evening, every evening, for hours. Theoretically, that would be a good time for me to edit photos or blog, right? Since I’m just sitting here anyway, and how hard could it be to use a laptop when you’re nursing a newborn?

Apparently, for me, it’s medium difficult. Nursing not only makes me sleepy, it slows down my brain. Also, typing one-handed is kind of annoying. If I do anything on my laptop during the evening nursing sessions, it’s mainly just surfing around. I don’t even do much of that, really. Mostly I just sit and nurse and cuddle my baby girl. And I don’t feel even a tiny bit guilty about it.

I know that some of you are anxious for more baby pictures, though. And hey, look! Here is a post full of them!

Brenda took the photo of the top of Elliora’s head the day after she was born. I love that photo.

Here I am with Mini-Troy. When she wrinkles her nose like that, she looks just like her dad.

I found this soft apple-green yarn months ago, before I knew if I was having a boy or girl, and loved the color. I wanted to make the baby her own cuddle blanket, like the one I made for Annalie when she was a baby. I finished crocheting the last round of the border in the hospital the day after Elliora was born. I have vague plans to make a few small purple flowers and sew them to one side of the blanket (because E’s middle name is violet, see?) but who knows if I’ll ever get around to that. So far this blanket’s name is “green blanket.”

This is the photo Brenda based the banner on. (Oh. I have a new banner now, also courtesy of Brenda! You can still see the Elliora one here.) The super-cute dotty coffee-cup onesie (isn’t that just the perfect onesie for an Actually baby!?) was a gift from Anna.

I’m so glad Bug and Brenda got the chance to meet Elliora before they had to go home. Her timing in being born really was perfect.

I love both these photos, neither of which I took. My mom took the one of Annalie wearing my boots. When Annalie saw it, she said, “Oh no! All the cereal boxes on the counter behind me ruin the photo.” I had to laugh, but I told her nah, that ten years from now it will be interesting to see what the boxes looked like when she was a kid. And I love how Brenda captured both Elliora’s and my profiles in the photo on the right.

Here’s what the new paint in our bedroom looks like. Yay! I had actually gotten kind of used to the the Palm-Beach-fake-tan-foundation color the walls used to be, but I like this blue-gray color so much better.

Troy took this photo of me and Elliora napping on the couch, with Katy snuggled up to my arm. Katy really wants to snuggle with Elliora. I have to keep telling her she can’t sit on the baby.

Baby hands! I love ‘em.

Elliora has proved to be just like her big sister in one way: she doesn’t really want anyone holding her but me. Annalie was a total mama’s girl till she was three or four months old, when she would allow Gramaw or Daddy to hold her for short periods of time. I’m hoping Elliora’s mama-only phase doesn’t last quite so long. I can already sometimes hand her off while she’s sleeping, but usually she wakes up within a couple of minutes and protests loudly that she’d like to be returned to her mother, thankyouverymuch. The minute I pick her up again, the squawking stops like a switch has been flipped and she sighs in relief. It’s pretty funny. (Not that I blame her. I am pretty awesome, after all.)

Ultrasound techs commented more than once that my baby had her legs crossed. Now Elliora often crosses her feet when she’s nursing or sleeping. So ladylike.

Elliora likes to suck on my finger, grab another of my fingers with one hand, and spread her other hand over her eye. That photo was taken only nine days ago and already Elliora looks bigger and older to me.

Looking at this photo, it occurred to me that I could take a series of photos of Elliora next to Katy, like we did with Annalie and the bear.

Sweetie. She really is.

This one’s a sweetie too. She has been such a great big sister so far, with only occasional flashes of annoyance at the baby’s crying. She helps pick out Elliora’s clothes almost every day, and has helped out during many diaper changes. She’s been excited about having a little sister for so long, I’m glad that she’s enjoying it so far. I’m sure the fact that her sister’s birth has meant a vacation from school hasn’t hurt any.

Of course, even having a newborn can’t mean a vacation from Christmas, not when we have a six-year-old who loves the holiday. So a few days ago Troy and Annalie set up the tree inside and put up lights outside (hmm, I need to pop outside one night and take pictures of those) and hung up the stockings.

Thanks to these two elves, it’s beginning to get very festive around here.

Some more self-portrait—taking with both my girls one morning when Elliora was awake and happy. (Speaking of self-portraits, the next run of 7 Days starts this Saturday, the 18th. Consider yourselves reminded.)

Hee. Elliora looks like she’s either getting ready to ROCK, or trying to sign ‘I love you.’

Whew. That was a lot of photos. And I’ve barely scratched the surface!