it’s beginning to feel a lot more like Christmas
December 4th, 2009
I’ve been feeling pretty indifferent about Christmas this year. I didn’t put our tree up early and write and mail one-third of our Christmas cards already because I’m so filled with Christmas spirit. It’s more like taking out the trash.
Whaaa? you might be asking yourself, How on earth are Christmas decorations and holiday salutations like taking out the trash?
See, when Troy is around, I keep stuffing things into the kitchen trash can because I know that eventually Troy will notice it’s full and cheerfully empty it. When Troy is gone, I’m much more likely to take the trash out as soon as I notice it’s full, because it’s not like Annalie or the cats are gonna do it for me. I’m the only adult here right now, so if a Christmas-related task is going to get accomplished, then I’d better get on it.
Silver wreath ornament purchased from doow‘s etsy shop.
But my heart hasn’t really been in it. This is the first Christmas in 15 years that Troy and I have been apart, and it’s hitting me harder than I expected it to, seasoned Navy wife that I am.
In a way, this whole deployment has been relatively easy. I thought having a child would make Troy being gone much more difficult, and in a way it has, but mostly it’s been much easier than every previous deployment. I’m not living by myself, eating all my meals alone. I have a sidekick this time around, one who misses Troy just as much as I do, and funnily enough that’s made the past few months much more bearable for both of us.
Lately though, it’s been harder. It started with Thanksgiving, and now that I’m looking ahead to Christmas, I’m definitely missing Troy more—not in an I’m-so-empty-without-him, crying-myself-to-sleep kind of way. It’s more like I’m just aware of his absence all the time, and sighing a lot. That’s why I’ve been going through the Advent and Christmas motions, but not really too excited about them.
Today something changed. I think it started when Annalie wrote her very first thank-you note. Well, she’s written dozens of thank-you notes over the years by dictating them to me, and colored many thank-you drawings. This, however, was the very first thank-you note that Annalie wrote entirely with her own hand, only asking me for help with spelling. Then she decided to draw and color a little Christmas tree at the bottom, which made me smile and smile. Annalie usually only draws with one color, despite my occasional suggestions that she make her drawings colorful. The fact that she colored the Christmas tree green and added blue and red and orange ornaments and a yellow star, and then a rainbow-wrapped present underneath the tree made me very happy.
At some point after that I decided I’d better get cracking on some Christmas baking, since that’s going to be a major component of the gifts I give this year. (Spoiler alert! If you expect to get a Christmas gift from us this year and you want it to remain a surprise, you might want to skip the rest of this paragraph.) I made more granola bars and some candied nuts, and I made the pastry dough and cooked the filling for my all-time favorite apricot cookies, and somewhere in there I hung Christmas lights in the kitchen window.
Last Christmas we hung lights on the outside of the house and in the lemon tree. After Christmas we never took them down, which is handy since I wouldn’t have been able to hang all those again by myself. But to me it doesn’t really feel like Christmas unless there are lights in windows in every room of the house. I love turning off all the overhead lights and lamps and plugging in colorful Christmas lights all over the house.
Tonight I hung lights in the kitchen window. I sang along with BNL as they lamented the plight of worker elves. I breathed in the cinnamon scent of the candied nuts cooling on the counter and listened to the apricot filling bubbling on the stove. I thought, “Christmas is coming!” and I was happy about it.
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Love the light pictures.
Glad you’re in the spirit. I have no excuse. I’m just not feeling it this year :(
Hooray for the Christmas spirit falling when it falls! I love all the colored lights in the windows…what a good idea. Annalie’s Christmas tree is just wonderful…you should scan it and use it for a Christmas card!
Bethany – You have amazed me during this deployment. I have watched you go through sicknesses, visits, ups and other various downs, and do it so well on your own. I may not be American, but feel everyone should appreciate what men like Troy are doing to keep loved ones safe, as are our troops here in Canada. I send a warm Christmas greeting to you and Annalie and am glad you have your faith and so many good friends around you at this time.
xo JoAnn
Those candied nuts look delish. Do you have a recipe to share? I swear that I think I ask for a recipe every time you post something you make. Can you tell I’m still relatively new to this whole cooking and baking biz :) I hear ya about the whole having a difficult time getting into the Christmas spirit this year. I’m still in denial that Christmas is only a few weeks away. I hope the spirit hits me soon!
P.S. I love your decorated tree!
I’m not as Christmas person. In fact I find I turn into some sort of weird Scrooge-like person and will happily stay in bed the whole time and pretend it isn’t happening.
Sadly I have a wife who adores Christmas and sisters who insist on bringing their childdren to visit. So I have to make an effort.
Bethany, I truly admire your inner strength and ability to get through the holidays or any time of year while Troy is deployed. I’m also thankful for what Troy and other men and women are doing to serve our country. We are never appreciative enough of the sacrifices they, and their families, make. I’m glad that you’re baking and vanilla-making, and putting up the Christmas lights. The good smells and warm glows bring comfort – and please know that we’re thinking good thoughts for you and yours.
I love that BNL song :). Those light pictures are really cute. It’s snowing here in MD and it is really beginning to look a lot more Christmas-like here. We had to cancel our out of town shopping trip today due to the snow but we are filling out cards and listening to Christmas music. :)
Glad you caught the spirit. Mine is muted until I’m done work, but it’s simmering. :)
Christmas spirit is lacking in these here parts too, but that’s only because exams and papers worth astronomical portions of my final marks are looming over my head. Once those are done, I’ll be strapping on my jingle bells.
Its a tough thing, being without a family member on Christmas, and I don’t blame you at all for being a little down. I’m glad you’ve got a sidekick though!
Also, can I get that apricot cookie recipe? They look delicious in the other post.
I want to give you a big ol’ hug right now. I feel like I’m such a rotten friend. I admire how you have been getting through this time and I want to say, “How are you doing?” often. I have found myself not bringing it up because I don’t want you to feel badly, but that’s kind of silly for me to think, isn’t it? So dear friend, know that I think that you are an amazing person and I am in awe of your ability to chin up and smile.
I’m sure this Christmas will be a tough one to get through, but I know your lil ray of sunshine will help get you through.
I am glad you found your Christmas spirit. I am still searching for mine. I don’t blame you for being sad with out Troy around. I would be very sad too if Matt would be gone for the holidays. Hang in there!!
I relate with the trash scenario! Thankfully, my husband only goes away for a week or two at a time, but I find I actually keep things MORE together when he’s gone– like you say, you know no one else is going to do the dishes or watch the kids in the morning while you sleep. Of course, I would always rather have him home than a clean house! I can’t even imagine how much you’re missing your husband now. Glad Annalie is helping keep you happy!
So sorry you are without Troy. You do seem to be doing so well, much better than I would ever fare. Your decorations are lovely and I hope that you have the chance to do something special when he gets home.
We still haven’t gotten into the Christmas spirit. We kept saying we would get our tree early this year since Isabelle is so into it now. But it’s already 6 days into December and we haven’t gotten a tree. Well, maybe tomorrow.
Hi Bethany,
Do you have a recipe for those cookies? It looks like something my mum would really like :)