mark it down as a lesson learned, I hope
September 18th, 2009
Annalie is going through a bit of a testing phase right now, as kids do from time to time, just to make sure the grown-ups are paying attention. Lately she’s been testing the rules, testing the boundaries of good behavior, and testing my patience. It’s frustrating but normal.
Considering the testing, I shouldn’t have been that surprised the other day when I found a smiley face the size of a quarter drawn on our couch in marker. I was surprised, though. Annalie has been using washable markers since she was a toddler, and she’s always been pretty good about using them only on paper or other approved surfaces. Occasionally she goes a bit crazy and draws all over her legs or arms, but that’s generally allowed in our house because hey, washable.
After I saw the markered smiley face, I called Annalie upstairs and asked her to tell me about it. She admitted to having done it almost immediately. I told her I was disappointed because she’s old enough to know that drawing on the furniture is never okay. She shrugged and said she was sorry, but the flippant way she did so only made me hotter under the collar.
I struggled to maintain my temper as I had her help me clean up the marker. I also explained that the consequences of not remembering the rules about where to use markers meant she was going to lose her markers for the next couple of days. She wasn’t very happy about that, because I had just bought her a cool new marker set, but she sighed and said she understood.
Then I told her, “I’m really quite upset about this, Annalie. I don’t understand why you deliberately did something that you know is against the rules. I think you might have an extra punishment, but I’m going to have to think about it for a while.” Again she shrugged, before asking if she could have something to eat.
After I fixed her a snack, I emailed Troy to tell him about the Markering Incident and to ask if he had any ideas. I didn’t really expect to hear back from him anytime soon, since he’s basically on the opposite schedule from us on the other side of the world right now, but I felt better once I wrote it all out. Then I took to Twitter and asked if anyone had any thoughts or advice for me.
Almost everyone who answered me suggested that I have her clean it up and take away the markers, both of which I’d already done. At least I felt reassured in those actions. I still felt like this was something that warranted further action, like it was a no-brainer rule that she had to have deliberately broken. After consideration, I decided to have her go to bed an hour early. Annalie hates going to bed early, so I thought it would have an impact. Also, she’d had a busy couple of days and I figured she probably did need the extra sleep.
When I told Annalie that as punishment for markering on the couch she would have an early bedtime, she immediately wailed, “Oh, WHEN will you stop PUNISHING ME!?” I stifled a laugh at her melodramatic response and told her that we’d still read and cuddle before she went to sleep, it was just going to be an hour earlier than normal. She grumbled a bit, but when we finished a chapter of Little House in the Big Woods and I turned off the light, she curled into me and was fast asleep in about two minutes flat.
Yesterday I gave her the markers back and reminded her of the rules. She immediately said, “I know, only on paper. I’ll remember this time.” And she did. She was drawing on her little pad of paper on and off all day yesterday with those markers, and we never had a problem. I breathed a little easier.
This afternoon Bonnie had invited us to a homeschoolers’ knitting group/playgroup. We were both looking forward to it. Annalie had been sniffling and sneezing the past couple of days with a little cold, so we’d been sticking close to home. Today she was feeling much better and we were both looking forward to getting out of the house. Annalie was excited about seeing M and E again, and making some new friends. I was packing up a crochet project to bring with me when I turned around and saw that Annalie had used a marker to draw on the front of her dress.
“Annalie, did you just draw on your dress with a marker?”
She glanced down at her dress, then looked back up at me sheepishly. “Yessss…”
She knew she was in trouble. I sighed, then told her to gather up all her markers and put them in the zipper case. When she was done she handed the case to me, and I told her the markers would be off-limits for a few days again since she had forgotten or ignored the rule to only draw on paper.
Annalie’s response was an almost-jaunty, “Okay, mom!”
I hesitated for a moment. I knew what I had to do. I wanted to get the message across to my little boundary-tester that it was NOT okay to marker on anything but paper. The most immediate way to do that was…
“Annalie, I’m really sorry, but we’re not going to be able to go to the playgroup now.”
Her face crumpled. “What!? But I wanted to go meet some new friends! I haven’t gone to a playgroup since we lived in Maryland and I really want to go to this one!”
That nearly broke my heart. Sometimes I hate having to be consistent. Especially times like this when punishing Annalie meant punishing me too. I’d really been looking forward to that knitting group. But from her reaction I knew I’d done the right thing. I told her that I knew she really wanted to go, but I also knew that she knew the rules about markers. I said I hoped that the next time she was tempted to draw on her clothes or the couch or anything else but paper, she would remember how sad she was to miss out on the playgroup this week. I assured her that we could still go next week.
Annalie’s sadness quickly morphed into anger. She stomped off to her room, declaring her need for private time and her intention to never ever go anywhere again with me. I rolled my eyes and privately debated keeping the markers put away at least till after next week’s knitting group.
A few minutes later, Annalie called to me from her room. I went downstairs and stood in the doorway. She was busy playing with an electronic game and didn’t even notice me at first. When she did look up, she asked if I could bring the book down to her room and read to her for a while.
We spent an hour or so lying on her bed, me reading the rest of our book out loud while she quietly played, occasionally snuggling up next to me to study an illustration of Ma and Laura making cheese, or Pa watching a doe and her yearling fawn from his perch in a tree. When the book was finished, Annalie asked if she could swim, so we filled up the pool and she swam and splashed for a good hour while I read and made notes on something I’m editing for a friend.
We ran some errands: the craft store, the grocery store, Starbucks. Back at home Annalie put on her pajamas and brushed her teeth, and we watched an episode of Chuck at Annalie’s request. We sat on my bed as I read two chapters of Little House on the Prairie while Annalie pretended to wash and cut my hair. I turned out the light and Annalie twined her legs and arms around me, her head pillowed on my arm, just as she’s done since she was a baby. She requested sleepily that I sing to her.
Despite the Second Markering Incident, it was a good day.
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Good for you for being consistent! It does stink some times. =)
I would keep the markers away for more than a day this time. When you do give them back, go over the rules with her once again and the consequences of loss of markers and playgroup.
That being said- I do like the little picture she made on her dress ;)
Incidents like that make my blood boil! I do not envy your having to deal with that sort of thing on your own, either, Chris and I usually survive by handing off to each other so neither of us boils over. If it happens again, you might try having Annalie write lines (one of my favorite and my boys’ least favorite punishments). Five or ten, “I will marker only on paper,” will at least have her thinking about what she must do going forward instead of playing a game in her room and forgetting all about being in trouble. ;)
First off, I love the pun in the title :)
Second, I totally think you did the right thing. It totally angers me when Kaylie shrugs at my punishments – and only when she’s upset about them do I know that I’m making my point. Consistency IS hard!!
Third, I love the Little House books! I started reading them to Kaylie a while ago, but we only got halfway through the first one. I think I’d like to start reading them with her again. Thanks for the inspiration!!
Man, sticking to your guns sucks sometimes, especially when you feel like the bad guy. I’ve had to do it when watching friends’ kids and its hard not to cave, because they’re so cute, and it really wasn’t THAT bad, and the entire time you’re rationalizing it in your head, you know you’ve gotta be the mean one eventually. Discipline sucks.
It made me giggle a little that Annalie is a Chuck fan, but Little House on the Prairie? That is CLASSIC. :)
Discipline is hard but the consistency is important to getting your point across. I hope I can handle these situations as well as you do when I become a parent. In the meantime, I’m going to keep taking notes from you!
Consistency is the KEY, even if it means punishing yourself. I’m not a big Dr Phil fan but I remember him saying years ago that you have to find each child’s “currency” aka what’s important to them when meting out punishment. A time out or losing a privilege might not be a big deal to some kids, but to the others is like the end of the world.
Good for you for hanging tough! It’s not easy, I know.
I hear you on the pain of following through and punishing yourself as well as the child! I had to stay home from a family dinner with my son after church when he deliberately disobeyed. I was SO mad. My relatives were up from San Diego and it was our chance to have all the grandkids together. Plus, I didn’t get to eat Sunday dinner cooked by my MIL. I’m glad that your day turned out to be a good one and I really hope you get to go to the play group next week!
Being a mom is really tough sometimes. I’ve had to be consistent with my boys even when it was hard for me. I completely understand where you’re coming from. But you have to do it. You did the right thing. Good for you. And good for you for seeing that it was a good day in spite of a behavior issue.
What is the deal with the sassiness? Wildman is testing his limits like crazy too. It’s really trying on my patience.
You are a great mom. Thoughtful, patient, and creative. She’s a lucky kid, and she’ll know it when she’s older for sure.
You did the right thing. There are times that it just seems easier to give in for my sanity, but there is that nagging feeling that if I don’t do it now it is only going to be worse at 13. Being a kid is hard, but being a consistent parent is near impossible. Good for you for sticking to your guns. I don’t know if I could have been as calm as you seemed. I am such a hot head I probably would have walked over to the trash can and dramatically dropped them in. Just think, you can always send her to Kindergarten, ha ha. I am glad that the day ended up a good one. Pat yourself on the back, Mom.
it’s always harder on us isn’t it? hang in there :)
Our home has generations of ghost “smiley faces” and actual scenes throughout it: on walls, on carpets, yes! on furniture! on clothes, on each other, some actually are carved into the wood. Be thankful for “washable.” Remember that being 5 makes her qualified to “act like a kid” and that kids make mistakes many times over before graduating to “adulthood” sometime between the ages of 18-22 (if one is lucky!) or later for many in the recent generation! Every day I get to enjoy the red (permanent markered) swirly designs on my white kitchen cupboard near the toaster (art by Luke), the fanciful yellow (permanent) meandering pattern (by Frances) on the white island doors, and the sweet, precious happy person (by Elly – age 5 1/2!) on the cork bulletin board in the kitchen! Some day you will look back and cherish her days of uninhibited artistic expression! You will remember her smiley faces with tenderness and wistfulness…be easy on yourself and on her! Or you can send her to Omaha and I will let her “smiley face” phase run its course here where it will hardly be noticed, and may even be framed! :)
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My little girl is going through something now where she continues to forget to bring her folders home from 1st grade. One contains her work/homework and the other books she needs to be practicing reading. I have talked to her about why she needs to make an effort to remember because she’s a first grader now… so there’s more responsibilities. She still keeps forgetting. I don’t know what to do now. I don’t want to YELL at her because it sometimes takes her a while to get used to a routine… but… I don’t know. She loves Mario Party on the Wii. Maybe if she remembers every day for a week, she will get to play a game with me on Friday after dinner? The weeks she forgets… no game? I don’t know. I think it’s good that you were consistent though. Sometimes it stinks to be the parent and enforce the rules… but in the long run it’s better for the kids…and us!
I think you handled that very well. Was your mom like that too? I can’t follow my parent’s example because they just did spankings.
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