Sincere thanks, some details, and a silly video
February 18th, 2008
To everyone who left a comment, sent email, called, thought of us, or prayed for us in the past couple of days: Thank you very much! We truly appreciate each and every word. It may not seem like saying “I’m so sorry” is enough, but it really is. I’ve said the same thing to those grieving the death of a relative or friend, and I know that behind those simple words are heartfelt prayers and true sympathy.
We left South Texas on Friday morning and spent 14 hours on the road in an attempt to get ahead of ice storms passing through the Midwest. We stayed the night in northern Oklahoma, lingering just long enough in the morning for Annalie and Troy to swim in the hotel pool and for me to write the previous post. When we arrived in Omaha after an uneventful seven-hour trip, we immediately went shopping for clothes for all three of us, since we didn’t include appropriate clothes for winter or funerals when we packed for our vacation. Today after church Troy and his sisters helped their stepmom sort through some of their dad’s things, and then the viewing was this afternoon.
Troy was at the funeral home for the entire two hours, but we didn’t think Annalie needed to be there for more than the short prayer service at the end. She did go with us to Granny’s funeral last year, but she wasn’t even three then, and she didn’t really comprehend what was going on. This time she’s more aware. I don’t want to totally shield her from the reality of death, but I don’t want to overwhelm her either. Then on the way to the funeral home this afternoon she peppered my mom and me with questions: Will Grandpa Keith be there? Why will his body be there? Why will it look like he’s sleeping? Will he have his glasses on? Will his eyes be open? Will he still have his feet? What’s a casket? Will they dig a hole? I answered her questions as honestly and simply as I could, often ending my answers with, “It’s not easy to understand, even for grown-ups.” She was calm until we got there and I started unbuckling her from her carseat, when she said, “But I don’t want to see Grandpa Keith, I don’t want to look at him!” and burst into tears. I assured her she didn’t have to look at him if she didn’t want to, and we went inside. She hid her face on my shoulder, probably reacting to the room full of strangers as much as to the open casket. She sneaked a few glances toward the front of the room where the casket rested among the flowers, relaxing when she realized nothing was scary. We’ll see how she does at the funeral tomorrow morning.
Here is a video I took when we were visiting OMSHville. You get to hear me and Heather talking (she’s the one with the slight Texas drawl) and Annalie laughing hysterically, which always brings a smile to my face. I hope it does the same for you.
Trampoline fun with Troy and Annalie from bethany actually on Vimeo.
Does it seem strange that I’m ending a post about my father-in-law’s funeral with a fun movie? I guess life is like that. It goes on, even in the face of death. And I know Keith would have laughed and said, “Wonderful!” if he had seen this video, so in a way I’m posting it for him.
February 18th, 2008 at 10:57 am
I am still nervous about seeing someone at an open casket funeral, so I can completely relate to Annalie being so nervous herself.
I can hear her little voice carrying on with all those questions.
I remember the first funeral I attended with understanding; I was significantly older than Annalie and it still left a very big imprint in my memory.
February 18th, 2008 at 12:00 pm
I don’t think it’s strange at all to end your post with that video. It’s a celebration of the life that he lived as well as the ones you are living. Without Keith having lived his life, you wouldn’t be blessed with Troy or Annalie.
Again, we are so sorry that he’s gone and are praying for you all.
February 18th, 2008 at 1:53 pm
As difficult as death is for any of us to understand and cope with, I think that shielding children from it only exacerbates the fear and confusion. Talking to Annalie about what’s going on and including her in the parts of the ceremony you feel she can handle are so important to her development. As with any experience, allowing her to learn about something from the safety of your arms is one of the most precious gifts you can give. I also think the video is a great way to end this post - funerals are as much for hooking up with other people who will go on living as they are for grieving. When there is celebration amid the sorrow, you know you’re honoring your lost loved one.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:15 pm
OMSH - Yes, I have similar vivid memories of my first funeral when I was eight years old. I hope I made Annalie’s first funerals manageable for her.
Ashley - Yes! I had not thought of it that way, but you are exactly right.
karen - Thank you. You said exactly what I think but was not eloquent enough last night to write.
February 18th, 2008 at 3:55 pm
I love the video!
I felt just as Annalie did when we went to the viewing after my Grandfather died. (I was 25!)
February 18th, 2008 at 5:26 pm
It’s not odd at all to show the video. As you said, Keith would have thought it wonderful, too. At the cemetery following my Dad’s funeral we all stood in a huddle and talked about how much he would have hated all the attention. At one point we were all laughing through our tears at what Dad’s reactions would have been, and I looked over my shoulder and people were giving us strange looks. If they would have only known that Dad was giving them the strange looks back. :) It’s not about sadness - it’s about a celebration of life, and this video would have made Keith smile as it does you. God’s blessings to you all.
February 18th, 2008 at 6:06 pm
I’m not a fan of open caskets. It seems to odd to me to look at the left-behind part of a person. Their spirit, or soul, isn’t there anymore anyways.
So… I take it he still had feet, yes?! ;)
February 19th, 2008 at 4:23 am
Open caskets aren’t done here in Australia, so I had never had to deal with that side of death before.
The first time I saw someone’s body minus their spirit was 2005 when my uncle passed from cancer. My mum and I arrived at the hospital just minutes after he had moved on. And it was something I wasn’t totally ready for. Even at the age of 28.
I hope that Annalie is going ok, aswell as Troy and yourself. Much love from down here in Oz.
February 19th, 2008 at 7:57 am
i truly am sorry to hear about your loss. I will keep everyone in my prayers. It is so hard for the little ones to understand and hard for us as grown ups when we are grieving also to help them with theirs. I remember Angel’s first experience with death. She was about Annalie’s age and Tod’s mom passed away. She was very close to his mom and although we didn’t take her to the funeral home, she had a very difficult time.
love you all
February 19th, 2008 at 10:51 pm
I’m so sorry about your loss.
Dealing with death is tough on everyone. I think that you handled it perfectly. My son was the same age as your daughter when our youngest passed away.
We made the decision to let them come to the funeral if they wanted to, they could go and see their brother and say goodbye. We really tried hard to prepare them and we are very grateful we had that experience with them
They weren’t scared of him once the saw him, but it also made it clear to them that he was “Gone” and not there anymore because he looked different. They had millions of questions that were so hard to answer, but I think it helped them deal with the process better to have been able to say goodbye.
My thoughts will be with you.
P.S.
I loved the video. I’m sure that his dad and her grandpa would have loved it, too.
September 17th, 2008 at 1:14 pm
Sorry to hear about your loss. I missed these posts the first time around. Sounds like Annalie dealt with it quite well, too. The question about “will he have his feet?” made me laugh. I just don’t get how kids’ minds work sometimes.