the mystery of friendship
May 13th, 2009
I’ve been pondering something for a while now. I wonder if I am alone in not really understanding why people like me, why they want me as a friend.
That makes it sound like I have a massive inferiority complex, and I don’t! Ask anyone who knows me—I am self-confident and comfortable in my own skin. I always have been, as far back as I can remember. I think it’s partly stubbornness, and partly that I was just born this way.
I don’t need people telling me how great I am. I know I’m not an awful person. I know I have many flaws—laziness, being too quick to judge, impatience, and the tendency to take the last can of soda from the fridge without putting more cans in to chill—but I also know that I am smart and generous and occasionally funny.
If you happen to not like me, that’s okay. You are not required to like me. I can deal with a little honest dislike, or indifference. I know I am loved by people in my life, and I know I’m a child of God. I don’t need every person I meet to think I’m swell in order to be happy and well-adjusted.
All those things aside, I find myself wondering sometimes…what makes this person want to be my friend? I do have good qualities, sure, but I have plenty of annoying qualities as well. I’m bossy and opinionated and outspoken to a fault, not to mention introverted enough that I prefer to be a friend from afar and have the tendency to politely avoid social engagements. Whee, don’t I sound like fun?
Given all of that, what on earth do people see in me that appeals to them!?
I suppose the mystery of friendship is that the answers would probably be different for each person. What Erin likes best about me may very well be the thing that drives Joe crazy. Yet they both like me and consider me a friend. The mystery is compounded by the fact that I’m the total opposite of many of my friends in major ways, and yet we still respect and like each other, value each other’s opinions, and have a blast when we hang out.
I guess it’s not surprising I think about friendship in this way. I’ve been described as “very logical” more than once, by more than one person. Sometimes I feel like Spock, a logical being surrounded by strangely emotional creatures, struggling to understand them and my own emotions as well. From an intellectual standpoint I can see why certain people would find my friendship helpful or valuable or enjoyable. Yet at the same time, I strive and struggle to understand the chemistry that makes those friendships not only practical but—at the risk of sounding cheesy—magical. Why do I click so well with certain people, and why do they click with me?
I don’t really have any answers. I suspect I never really will. I only know I’m grateful that so many amazing people over the years have seen things in me that they liked enough to call me friend.
What about you? What are your thoughts on the mystery of friendship? I’m truly curious!
Subscribe to this blog's feed
Very interesting question. I have a hard time with friendship in general. I always seem to come from a position that people don’t want to be around me. I need explicit cues that I’m accepted before I am comfortable hanging out with someone. Before these cues, I feel like I’m a gnat that needs to be shooed away.
I don’t think there is anything wrong with me. I know I can be a good friend to people. I just have that part of me that questions my acceptance among others.
I think since my core friends from high school have all gone their different paths, I find that I am surrounded by acquaintances with no solid friendships being carved YET. As I find more time to get out into the friendship loops again, I feel stronger ties begin to form. I’ve been mama to babies for a few years now and that has taken up a lot of my socializing time. Now that my Molly Moo is TWO (wheee!), I’m back in the business of being friendly.
I don’t think I solved any mysteries with this comment though.
I’ve had a couple of best friends for about 16 years now, but I still get a flutter of excitement when they initiate a night out, or they call/email/text me, etc. Although I know I’m pretty nice on the whole, I still get that “Really, you want to hang with me?!” feeling.
Maybe it’s when you lose that feeling of honour that you slide into trouble.
I can’t solve the mystery, and I certainly don’t know you, but from what I’ve read about you, I think I’d want to be your friend. :) I have contemplated this question before though. I wonder why people would be friends with me and how I am perceived by other people. It’s an interesting concept.
I guess you could ask yourself why you are friends with other people and maybe they are friends with you for similar reasons?
A few things came to mind as I read your post, and I hope I can remember them as I type. I think one of the reasons that I have enjoyed your friendship is that you have the ability to hold onto friendships despite the miles in between. I have seen many friends come and go who haven’t really hung on (until the dawn of facebook, and now suddenly everyone’s there again). But you were always really good at returning the email, replying to the letter, or whatever. You ARE a good friend, therefor you HAVE lots of friends.
And I’m glad we never lived together, because the last can of pop thing from the fridge would have been a total deal breaker for me! :) I hate that when my husband does it to me (thankfully we don’t like the same flavors, so it’s rare).
I’ve thought about this before, too. I make fast friends, but I’m very(probably overly) picky about my friends. I have 3 kids and currently a huge volunteer job, and I don’t have time for friendships that aren’t…good ones. I’ve had too many friendships that were more work than they were worth, so I try to make friends with people I really like and I do all that I can to cultivate those few strong friendships. I’m still friendly to other people, but it’s nothing deeper. Does that make me mean? Maybe. But I hope that other people also aren’t friends with me just because they think they should be. If our friendship doesn’t click, let’s just agree to be casual acquaintances. We can still have fun at our kids’ end-of-the-school-year party without having to be best buddies. (Wow…I sound kinda snobby now that I go back and read that. Maybe I should re-think my friend policy??)
You know what… I ask myself this all the time. I am annoying. Why would you want to be my friend?
I like you though becuase you are super sweet and make me smile! I will meet you in person someday and abduct you for a coffee trip!
I have met you and am glad to call you friend.
As for why people want to be my friend? I HAVE NO IDEA. Must be magic ;)
I love you B. Funny you should write this because I’ve been thinking a lot about friendships lately and what they’re made of. And more importantly what I’M made of when it comes to being a friend.
Your post was spot on with how I feel. So no, you’re not alone. And see – the flaws you speak of make you adorable in my eyes so there’s my 2 cents. And of course it goes without saying that I adore you and love you very much! :-)
My best friends are the people I’m comfortable around and who bring out the best in me. I think that can be said about you, Bethany. You bring out the best in people.
I was going to say that I bet you’re blessed with great friends because you are a good friend! You seem to be the sort of person who would do all she could for a friend (and I’ve read entries of yours that show that!); basically you live out the golden rule and that’s very appealing to someone looking for a friend.
I have wondered on my blog why I am blessed with such good friends too. All I can say is that my good qualities must outweigh my bad (at least as far as potential friends are concerned!), so that I end up looking like someone that’s worth having as a friend. It’s a bonus for me, that’s for sure!
I treat others the way that I would like to be treated and I hope in return they do the same. I feel like it is a simple thing but so many just dont understand this concept.
Good question Bethany! My opinion is based on my observations of my own friendships. As I’ve gotten older, my number of friends has gotten much smaller (I’m sure this is true for lots of us) and I’m perfectly comfortable with this. For me, the friendships that have endured are those where we seem to be on the same page about what we each expect from a friend and where we can equally meet each other’s friendships needs. Unfortunately, I do tend to get absorbed in my own day to day life, so I don’t take the time to communicate with friends as much as I probably should. My closest friends are those that are ok with that and don’t need me to call or email them on a regular basis. We can not talk for weeks sometimes even months (gasp!) on end but it doesn’t matter, the next time we talk, it picks up right where we last left off. It’s like we just talked yesterday.
Friendships are two way streets and I believe they just work (like you said, it’s magical almost ;) ) when both parties are giving and receiving in an amount that satisfies them both. Throw in some common interests and God mixing it all together and bam! You’ve got the recipe for friendship soup ;)!
I think perhaps people are friends with others because we see in them qualities that we would like to see in ourselves or that we think we ourselves possess and we admire. In a sentence or less, being friends with someone allows us to be close with people who we wish we could (partially, at least) emulate.
Think about it- you wouldn’t want to be friends with someone who had only horrible qualities, would you?
Maybe I’m being too logical or scientific about it, I’m not getting gushy and sweet and “aww” but I guess that’s just how I am. lol.
I often ponder this too, especially when I have a disagreement with someone. I start to wonder or question if I am a good friend or why certain people are my friend while others are not.
Like you, I feel confident in myself and find I need to remind myself of this at certain times.
I recently had a disagreement with someone and into the second conversation with her, I realized that she was trying to bring me down because of her own insecurities and it was originally working (her bringing me down)until I came to that realization. I am a good person, I try to give and take equally with friends. I know I have flaws and try to work on them constantly.
I have always said, I don’t have many many friends, but the friends I have, I have for a reason. And this still holds true as many of my friendships have lasted for over 15 years.
Let’s see, you are patient, kind, don’t envy, don’t boast, are not proud, not rude, not self-seeking, not easily angered, don’t keep a record of wrongs, don’t delight in evil, you rejoice with the truth, protect, trust, hope, and persevere. Who, in their right mind, would not want to be your friend? Heck, I was your friend, but couldn’t settle for that. I had to marry you!
Awwww! I think you’re looking at me with loving eyes, because I know I am guilty of all of those things sometimes. But thanks, babe!
I can tell you why I love you. I think you’re an AMAZING mother, the kind of mom I wished I had and wished I would be. Your relationship with Annalie is so remarkable, you have filled her with a love of art and design and fun. I am awed by your parenting skills. You’re kind and generous, you’re patient and you think carefully about what it important and go with that over being impulsive. That’s real thoughtfulness. You have a great sense of humor, you are a WONDERFUL friend, you are a loving family member, you don’t argue with anyone…. I’m with MrActually. I’d marry you too!
No, you’re not alone. I wonder that too, what people could see of interest in me. Why they would want to get to know me better. And it always baffles me when it’s someone from the internet. I don’t have a massive inferiority complex either but I just don’t get it.
Joe, Is Bethany’s late night giddiness really what drives you crazy? We need to talk!
You tell Troy he plagiarized. *wink*
I have no idea why I love you. Bwahahaha! Nah, I do. There are several characteristics I like, but mostly, you’re fun and easy to be with. And by the way, I like strong and opinionated. :)
You’re like a girl Jeff. How can I not love that?
Oh, people like because of Jeff or because they don’t know me. I’m truly a pain in the rear. Most of the time. Maybe that’s why everyone takes me out for margaritas! It takes the edge off! HA!